As I rush to catch up with everything

One of the themes for this post was supposed to be about fears, those frightened emotions somebody might have because of unexpected, usually, or even sudden and out of the program events. That could be the general idea you might get from this introduction.

But I would like to talk about a major thing that could have made me feel insecure many times in the past. And that is the possibility of lack of control over something.

Being a youngster with my mind over my head, daydreaming during most of the lectures in my school or even expressing myself through “creative projects” (as I like to call my sketches despite the outcome of the illustration) but being the older brother in my family, I prefered having everything as I wanted in my own way, with my own terms.

And then, it comes. Million of possible scenarios running in my head. Until the final countdown, each and every incident that could happen, will pass by my thoughts. Even if everything is running smoothly, I will not relax until the printing bell for the end.

That could only be good if you try to get yourself engaged with one thing. But for me, my enthusiasm might take over and I will try to catch up with everything. And then, hopefully, I will not lose the Control completely over them.


Today is the tomorrow you talked about yesterday

We sat by the fire. Sawdust and ashes were scattered around or even swept in the air, making the scenery around us even more magical. Having bonfires close to the sea was one of our favourites, especially if it was served with cold beers, sometimes with sweets. No waves could be seen and the sun has set a few hours ago. Thankfully, blackness has been intruded by the light of the fire, so we could see each other faces when we were talking.

“And how we ended up being 40…” said a blond woman named Jane, sitting next to me “it seems like years rushed when we had the time of our lives, but they only left us with memories, good or bad. It’s a shame that we haven’t still managed to create an alternative to a typical time machine. Oh, how I wish that I could live my childish years like forever or when I first entered college having no clue at all what was waiting for me at the corner…”.

“But still, you managed to go through all of this, without getting stuck, without losing valuable time. At least, you are one of those people that do not need to worry about what’s coming next, right?” Tom replied directly to an imaginary, hypothetical question of her.

“What makes you feel so nostalgic? Life comes and goes, that’s its natural circle and you should better accept now that you can” he continued.

“But what has made you feel this way?” now I was the curious one “is a happy moment that you are missing right now that can’t be compared with your present, is somebody beloved far gone and you can’t find contact? Maybe that feeling of incompletness that have reached you in your 40s?

“I may go for the last one, it sums up all the rest. Because, there were few happy moments that I had the chance to enjoy to the fullest, imporatant people, not many but counted on the fingers of both of my palms, that I wish I could say a word with them, even a 5-minute will be ample. Or take the risk when it was worth the feeling, or travel when my program was free and I was young with less worries in my head.”

“Do you know why most of the time, if not always, you didn’t come all the way to those things?” I told her.

“Why is that?” she asked.

“Because you used to repeat one word when somebody or even yourself might have come to question those choices” I replied.

“And which is..?”.

Later” I responded and I turned my eyes up to the night, full of stars, bright sky.


A face to remember

I entered the house as I unlocked the entrance of my place. No speaking sounds could be heard, even though I could see that everybody was there, from my father to my youngest cousin. Some were sitting on sofas, other to the couch, less will be standing, looking up to the ceiling or turned their heads as they heard the key. I still remember that day.

My dream was interrupted by sounds coming from the kitchen. I opened my eyes and I checked the time, only to find that it was still seven o’ clock in the morning. It was my preparation period for the entrance exams and usually my anxiety didn’t leave me to sleep properly, but I wasn’t planning to get up early. I dressed myself with a blouze I found hanging on my chair and I went to the bigger room to answer my questions about this puzzle.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked “why are you gathered in here to chat early this Saturday morning?”

They heard me and they stopped. No further discussions or any other comments to my question. Only one phrase to easy my curiosity: “do not focus on what we were talking, you have to study, it is Urgent to finish and be ready for your exams. That’s a lifetime chance!”
Later, I will find that you had an accident in the hospital, your nurses were not responsible enough for you, that your eyes have closed and you might not open that again.

The next week, I will follow a routine plan to get along with another anxiety, except this of my examinations: you, still “sleeping” in the hospital, while my cousins were visiting you only to touch your hand, still warm sometimes, in order to feel close to you. Remember that you were talking about your future departure and I was making fun of you? Until you decided to leave forever from this place.


Now, everybody were waiting for me. With a candle on our hands, with our face depressed from sadness. As we wish to remember  and cherish you forever. As we do not want to forget, as we want a face to remember.

Fearless in the joy

Dear myself,

after another demanding period  in my life,  I could surely agree with the fact that,  we, specifically young people tend to underestimate our personal strength after the first falling. We, and those that are coming after us, are blessed with technological miracles that have broaden our horizons and changed our general perspective about others.

Then, why people still fear one another and seek for approval in the silence? Why sometimes do they feel more inaccessible to those they care the most? And why do they Panic more easily at each tough occasion?

Those questions I am trying to answer, myself. But how?