As I rush to catch up with everything

One of the themes for this post was supposed to be about fears, those frightened emotions somebody might have because of unexpected, usually, or even sudden and out of the program events. That could be the general idea you might get from this introduction.

But I would like to talk about a major thing that could have made me feel insecure many times in the past. And that is the possibility of lack of control over something.

Being a youngster with my mind over my head, daydreaming during most of the lectures in my school or even expressing myself through “creative projects” (as I like to call my sketches despite the outcome of the illustration) but being the older brother in my family, I prefered having everything as I wanted in my own way, with my own terms.

And then, it comes. Million of possible scenarios running in my head. Until the final countdown, each and every incident that could happen, will pass by my thoughts. Even if everything is running smoothly, I will not relax until the printing bell for the end.

That could only be good if you try to get yourself engaged with one thing. But for me, my enthusiasm might take over and I will try to catch up with everything. And then, hopefully, I will not lose the Control completely over them.


Make a wish and throw your cares to the wind

What triggers what we want, what we long for, what we desire?

Will it come with the light of a morning sun, a moment of irrisistable fun, or possibly with a smile?

My first wish  when I was a child was to play all time around, later I’ve seen that, except it was impossible, more things might bring me joy. I learnt to read, to draw, to write and once I was seven years old I decided that I might fulfill the same wish I keep replying until today, to write a damn book, good enough to make me proud and hopefully the ones that could read it.

But I learnt the hard way that what you Desire, even it is human, thing, or non material, would not be yours without action. Because action will lead you to that success you dreamed once in a while, but your daily routine,inner thoughts and abscence of motivation keep you off the track.

Where the wind sings by

The view from above was always a thing that could trigger my enthusiasm because of the memorable depiction of the world in either smaller pieces as also the sense of freedom. Since I got older, taking the aeroplane to get somewhere was a common activity for me. But since  I couldn’t fly on a daily basis, my time was usually spent on bridges.


If someone seeks for my face in pictures from my past, might find me hanging around small or big bridges, made from a variety of material, different colourations and some of them might have a great story to tell. I still remember the last one from Budapest (well, at least one of the many), probably one of the biggest in Europe, named Chain Bridge. It was destroyed almost completely and was built up again for the people to use and admire. Or the Tower Bridge in London with those Giant towers, that could still catch the eye both of a citizen and a tourist.

Now, imagine that you are on a bridge,  this one that cars pass by, down from where you are standing. The wind blows your face as you look at the horizon and the sun has set up to sky, evening of a familiar autumn is close but it is not so cold for you to just wear a sweater with no jacket. And, at that very moment, you could feel and breath, inhaling and exhaling, “happiness and relief”.

Yellow in the smoke

The sky was cloudy as usual, turns of grey and light sun could be distinguished. It didn’t need too much time for it to wear the rainy dress and to quench the streets and roads of the city with raindrops all over.

He opened his yellow umbrella, big enough to cover himself and to not get wet. With a colour like that, his figure was the only one among the other dark and shady umbrellas that wanted to be one with the moody weather. Even though he didn’t have any other piece of garment with the same colouration,  he loved wandering around with his black coat and the yellow umbrella. This  object could produce different sensations on the eye as a result of the way the object emitted the light.

He wasn’t furious enough to escape the storm that was coming, but he seemed to welcome it without hesitation. As a man of his kind, he had a reputation for sailing close to the wind with his actions. Dealing with people of any kind, causing trouble around, was regarded his favourite hobby. Especially when he wanted to amaze the opposite sex.

His right hand moved to his pocket, from where he got a small cigar, put it in his mouth and then again he light it with a red lighter until its edge was burned. Smoke came out from his nostrils, caressing his lips. That could only calm him before the storm. Not the one that was about to bucket down, but only when he will appear inside that little pub, full of drunken youngsters that have light fingers, with no other thoughts for their life, except the moments they could get a second bite at the cherry.

Until the lull before the storm, that was coming inside the place, under the protection of a yellow umbrella, two sparkling eyes within the smoke.

A face to remember

I entered the house as I unlocked the entrance of my place. No speaking sounds could be heard, even though I could see that everybody was there, from my father to my youngest cousin. Some were sitting on sofas, other to the couch, less will be standing, looking up to the ceiling or turned their heads as they heard the key. I still remember that day.

My dream was interrupted by sounds coming from the kitchen. I opened my eyes and I checked the time, only to find that it was still seven o’ clock in the morning. It was my preparation period for the entrance exams and usually my anxiety didn’t leave me to sleep properly, but I wasn’t planning to get up early. I dressed myself with a blouze I found hanging on my chair and I went to the bigger room to answer my questions about this puzzle.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked “why are you gathered in here to chat early this Saturday morning?”

They heard me and they stopped. No further discussions or any other comments to my question. Only one phrase to easy my curiosity: “do not focus on what we were talking, you have to study, it is Urgent to finish and be ready for your exams. That’s a lifetime chance!”
Later, I will find that you had an accident in the hospital, your nurses were not responsible enough for you, that your eyes have closed and you might not open that again.

The next week, I will follow a routine plan to get along with another anxiety, except this of my examinations: you, still “sleeping” in the hospital, while my cousins were visiting you only to touch your hand, still warm sometimes, in order to feel close to you. Remember that you were talking about your future departure and I was making fun of you? Until you decided to leave forever from this place.


Now, everybody were waiting for me. With a candle on our hands, with our face depressed from sadness. As we wish to remember  and cherish you forever. As we do not want to forget, as we want a face to remember.


Holding the ticket on my right hand and the bag on my back, I stepped in the airplane. I might be one of the lucky that could fly each month to a place. But it has been some time since the last trip,primarly for leisure. And so it begun…!

The first surprise came with the cold wind.Great change I might say from the 29° Celcium in the South to the 7° Celcium of Budapest.Thankfully I was well prepared and my coat kept me warm as I looked for the way to the place that was going to be my base for the next days.In contrast with the underground metro, this of Budapest seemed quite old and the”mind the gap” sound-trademark was missing.

As I found my apartment and made myself comfortable, I took a walk by the river. Sun was down and afternoon just passed by for a short time until the night was there and…  I was in front of the House of the Parliament.

The lights around this magnificent building reveal  its beauty and the details of the architecture that went through both World Wars and still catches the eye of each visitor after more than a century.

Next day, despite the rain, got my umbrella and went for  a walk tour around the historic city centre of Budapest. Different buildings were standing some meters above from my head, with tourists at times posing for photographs (sometimes a little bit too much creativity for their pose).

Not so far from the Chain Bridge, one of the oldest and biggest bridges in Europe,  with lions guarding its entrances, the basilica of St. Stephen’s could be viewed, standing with majesty and greatness. Similar characteristics could be found in the interior, where people from different countries were amazed with the design and the marble sculptures that could be found in different corners inside the church.

Next morning, the Buda part was in the program. Starting from the Margarita’s island, passed from different districts and houses that didn’t lack in anything to the Pest side. But nobody should miss the old city among the walls with the Fishermen’s bastion, the Mattias’ church and the view from the Buda’s castle. And so didn’t I.

The last day before the return was more relaxing since it was spent almost all in the Budapest Zoo. A common visitor could admire from ducks and deer to anacondas,armadillo, lions and elephants.The only thing is that I felt a little bit for those big animals stuck in places that will never be a proper substitute of their natural environment. Gorillas seemed more lucky though.

Leaving Budapest and after an enjoyable trip in another country I realised how I missed travelling outside from my homeland, despite the fact that I was living abroad for a while. Wanderlust = the  desire to travel, this word just describes me without any other description. This city has captured me and I might be back in Budapest one day, one out of other Promises.

Farewell Budapest.

Daily drops vs Sunny wind: the dilemma of immigrant youth

As I booked my airplane ticket to return, I took a breath and stole a moment for silence. No anxiety, no worries, no talking in my head. Just, emptiness, entire black in my rainbow painted mind. This ticket was not only the way back to my beginning. It was the result of overnight talks, wanderings in the street of London along with cans of beer to quench our thirst. Why, when and what were some major things that needed to be answered.

“Why do you have to go back? Things are far worse than ever back in homeland?” my friend used to tell me.

“Because things could change from a year to the other. Also I need to go back, watch the sea, breath fresh air, relax, and ease my mind.”

“When do you plan to come back? Time is valuable and you are getting older and older, you are never going to get it back.”

“It might be because of all this pressure, it could be the result of endless attempts to get used to the way of life in North England. But I have to considered it well if I want to persuade a life away from sun and, obviously, the approach of life. Life at its fullest means doing what thrills you”.

“What could you possibly do better there? In three months that you will feel better after the completion of your studies you should better be here, to seek, to hunt for a job, a house, a better place to be”.


That was the time I got myself in a double proposition situation. Dilemma, better say, divided my thoughts about my present and the not so far future. What could I possibly make better here than there? Better during the rainy days than the sunny and warm mornings?

And suddenly, I heard rain drops falling on my window to wake me up from my dreaming. The pc screen indicated than everything was ready. I had to fly and fight back home.